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There is probably not much I can offer albeit fair and broad-minded, but as a starter, the tone of the dialogue WAS visibly tender and romantic. In such moments, the lovers usually speak little. [Puabi and I almost say nothing.] I do wish I could spend a birthday like that nowadays. I would like to see a bit more by way of setting, however. A description of the stars and the darkness of the night sky, the glow in their eyes, etc, would read nicely; but that is MY style. They are very short sentences, seemingly interrupted by thoughts or whatnot. Charming.
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2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your comment :) I wonder if you figured that they are not really lovers, just a cute kid-couple and that is why the dialogue is like that; childish and playful. I chose the style without explaining the scenery... for a story with the intended impact, description just adds more words and less impact.

Thank you again for the time to critique :)
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Professional Writer
The dialogue seemed like that, indeed.

You're welcome.
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