There is probably not much I can offer albeit fair and broad-minded, but as a starter, the tone of the dialogue WAS visibly tender and romantic. In such moments, the lovers usually speak little. [Puabi and I almost say nothing.] I do wish I could spend a birthday like that nowadays. I would like to see a bit more by way of setting, however. A description of the stars and the darkness of the night sky, the glow in their eyes, etc, would read nicely; but that is MY style. They are very short sentences, seemingly interrupted by thoughts or whatnot. Charming.