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Brought by the Storm (page 1)
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Literature Text
Brought by the Storm
Page 1
The local meteorology office had recently predicted the storm that finally erupted, but the actual dimensions of the storm took even them aback. Granted nobody can know everything; but the office had predicted something like a simple summer downpour. What eventually erupted over the town limits was beyond their imaginations. But the storm itself was only one part of the strange story.
Someone, somewhere, who witnesses or is caught in this type of storm is bound to report strange sightings. So, one late afternoon, when a team of town councilors headed around in a van to look about the town, they discovered a resident literally bound to a lamp post who seemingly babbled indecipherably about something the storm had brought or awakened. Nobody knew how the townsman had hot tied to the post despite the weather. Nor could anyone understand what he babbled.
He mumbled fearfully about some gigantic thing that stalked out amidst the weather, from "god alone knows where", and
"wind and water swept around It's enormous body." That was all that the councilors could comprehend of his babble. They analyzed that he was or went mad. Then they climbed into their can and continued the tour.
After a half hour and approximately 7 kilometers, the councilors saw real evidence of what that man said. Structures damaged and collapsed helter-skelter. The dimensions of the wreckage surely decried something enormous. But there was no other signs of the storm walker. They searched for more witnesses but most people had gone inside and scarcely seen anything.
Page 1
The local meteorology office had recently predicted the storm that finally erupted, but the actual dimensions of the storm took even them aback. Granted nobody can know everything; but the office had predicted something like a simple summer downpour. What eventually erupted over the town limits was beyond their imaginations. But the storm itself was only one part of the strange story.
Someone, somewhere, who witnesses or is caught in this type of storm is bound to report strange sightings. So, one late afternoon, when a team of town councilors headed around in a van to look about the town, they discovered a resident literally bound to a lamp post who seemingly babbled indecipherably about something the storm had brought or awakened. Nobody knew how the townsman had hot tied to the post despite the weather. Nor could anyone understand what he babbled.
He mumbled fearfully about some gigantic thing that stalked out amidst the weather, from "god alone knows where", and
"wind and water swept around It's enormous body." That was all that the councilors could comprehend of his babble. They analyzed that he was or went mad. Then they climbed into their can and continued the tour.
After a half hour and approximately 7 kilometers, the councilors saw real evidence of what that man said. Structures damaged and collapsed helter-skelter. The dimensions of the wreckage surely decried something enormous. But there was no other signs of the storm walker. They searched for more witnesses but most people had gone inside and scarcely seen anything.
A sudden raging summer tempest awakens a storm walker like an Old One. Read on. More later.
© 2014 - 2024 Michel-le-fou
Comments12
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You've got an interesting start here, however, you could benefit from some imagery. Even if you don't establish character on the first page (yes, I looked at page 2), I'd like to at least know the setting. I understand there's a level of suspense, however, there's more of an air of confusion. I've seen multiple stories that may not establish character in an intro, however, their use of specific imagery at least allow us to visualize the area. There's also lines that you really don't need, such as: "Granted, nobody can know everything", "but the storm itself was only one part of the strange story" or "Someone, somewhere, who witnesses or is caught in this type of storm is bound to report strange sightings". If you're looking for suspense, there needs to be a tightening of syntax in order to quicken the pace--the latter sentence could be shortened to. "Witnesses of storms such as these were bound to report strange sightings.", if you're not up to cutting the line.
I like that you did, in fact, have an object of interest on this first page. This storm walker is established, however, because of the lack of setting or imagery, I just have a tad bit of trouble picturing it. I know it is enormous, and for suspense reasons, should have a bit of vagueness. However, everything from trees to beasts can be enormous--perhaps if you don't want to add imagery because it's outside of your style, we could possibly have some more threatening diction instead.
Altogether, the story has potential, and I appreciate that you included characters on the second page. However, with a lack of imagery or specific setting, I'm afraid a reader can get confused or even frustrated, and an intro is supposed to encourage the reader further. I feel with just a bit more establishment, you could reach that perfect place!!! You have a very interesting point of interest, just give us a little more solid ground to stand on, to encourage us to continue.
I apologize for the length of this critique, and hope you can benefit by it!
I like that you did, in fact, have an object of interest on this first page. This storm walker is established, however, because of the lack of setting or imagery, I just have a tad bit of trouble picturing it. I know it is enormous, and for suspense reasons, should have a bit of vagueness. However, everything from trees to beasts can be enormous--perhaps if you don't want to add imagery because it's outside of your style, we could possibly have some more threatening diction instead.
Altogether, the story has potential, and I appreciate that you included characters on the second page. However, with a lack of imagery or specific setting, I'm afraid a reader can get confused or even frustrated, and an intro is supposed to encourage the reader further. I feel with just a bit more establishment, you could reach that perfect place!!! You have a very interesting point of interest, just give us a little more solid ground to stand on, to encourage us to continue.
I apologize for the length of this critique, and hope you can benefit by it!